Most of you know what has happened with my family in the past year and a half. Before you get your panties in a wad, I won't be bashing anyone. I won't be bashing the church. But what I WILL be discussing is exactly how I feel.
Today, I was driving home from a fun weekend in Fayetteville. I was listening to uplifting music and counting my blessings. And it's crazy how one four minute-twenty five second song can completely change your mood and take you to another place in time. The song that came on was "I Look to You" originally by Whitney Houston, but the one I was listening to was performed on Glee.
This song got me (and my mom) through a lot of heartache. But when this song came on today, I was reminded of all the heartache. And I was reminded that my heart is actually still aching. Since it was a Sunday, I think it hit me even harder. My father was striped of his pride. My mother was striped of her home. I, along with my brother & sister, was striped of my memories. When I try and think back of the good times, I can't help but get emotional because I know that I can never go back now. My family is no longer welcome.
The one thing that makes me the angriest is when people try and make us feel dumb for not "being over it." I do believe the Lord has a plan in all this. We may not see it now - we may never see it. But God's plans are so much better than our own, whether we want to truly believe it or not. But if you try and tell me that we should move on and get over it (while throwing scripture in my face), be aware that it will not help. Well...not right now, anyway.
I'm fully aware that the church didn't "need" us. As long as the Lord is worshipped firstly and fully, it doesn't matter who is leading worship, playing the piano, or speaking the message. But what you do need to realize is that when this occurrence happened, our home church was taken away from us. Like the rug being jerked out from under us. Just like that. No going back. No visiting. Have you ever been told you can't go back to somewhere that you loved? Somewhere you felt safe? Somewhere you made your closest friends? Somewhere you made some of your best memories? Ultimately, somewhere that was the vessel of your current walk with Christ?
Please know that I'm not looking for sympathy. Like I said, the Lord has so much in store for my family and me. I am actually very happy with my life right now. I have a great job, amazing family & friends and I'm excited to start visiting churches now that I'm living in Arkadelphia. And here's the greatest news of all: HE has greater plans. HE is a healer. HE is the giver of life. HE is the reason I am who I am today. HE is the reason why my family has stuck together through all of this. But what I did want to get across is that no matter how much time goes by, I will always look back at this as a very sad situation. I know one day, I will have complete forgiveness in my heart. But I will always remember the heartache. So all I'm asking for is a little understanding.
I promise for a more light-hearted post later this week. But I couldn't go any further without getting my true honest feelings out there. Take it or leave it.